Days past, yet I am still struggling, slowly and slowly drowning into the darkness. What is happening? For years, I am asking this very same question again and again without any answer. Things exist without any reason, and any request of justifying them is in vain.
Everyday the future looks a little bit darker. But the past, even the grimy parts of it, well, it just keeps on getting brighter all the time.
Is this a sign of ageing physiologically albeit I am still less than thirty? Or, it is just telling that the mind is too vulnerable to bear the burden of life and the responsibilities coming along? I can not stop thinking the meaning of everything, e.g., the meaning of being in this world; why life exists; why am I here sitting in front of a 13″ MacBook Pro typing this post. I mean, as a PhD student major in astrophysics, I am being a part of the great mission of human beings for trying to understand our universe. But as a human, are we able to understand why we are living in this world? And for what reason? I suppose we deserve better answers than simply “passing our human DNA”. I see a lot of people don’t even bother thinking of these “stupid” questions. They do everything without asking why. I admit that there can exist no meaning for those “why” at all. The question can even be totally wrong in the first place. However, those people just do the routines, following their instincts. I am so confused, haunted by the idea that why we do this and why we do that. Why don’t people think why?
I detest the people who show fake confidence, pretending as if (s)he knows everything, yelling to the entire world with his strident voice and being afraid that people are not able to recognise his wisdom. And then, I realise tolerance is walking away from me little by little. I can’t bear those people even with a bit imperfection of their mind now. But do I have those moral flaws as well? I must do.
Things growing darker once you start to fall into the deep dark abyss in your mind.