Drowning in the uncertain darkness?

Days have passed, yet I am still struggling, slowly and slowly drowning in the darkness. What is happening? For years, I have been asking this very same question again and again without any answer. Things exist without any reason, and any request of justifying them is in vain.

Every day the future looks a little bit darker. But the past, even the grimy parts of it, well, it just keeps on getting brighter all the time.

Is this a sign of aging physiologically, albeit I am still less than thirty? Or, is it just telling that the mind is too vulnerable to bear the burden of life and the responsibilities coming along? I cannot stop thinking about the meaning of everything, e.g., the meaning of being in this world; why life exists; why am I here sitting in front of a 13 inch MacBook Pro typing this post. I mean, as a Ph.D. student majoring in astrophysics, I am a part of the great mission of human beings to try to understand our universe. But as human beings, are we able to understand why we are living in this world? And for what reason? I suppose we deserve better answers than simply “passing our human DNA”. I see a lot of people don’t even bother thinking of these “stupid” questions. They do everything without asking why. I admit that there can exist no meaning for those who are “why” at all. The question can even be totally wrong in the first place. However, those people just do the routines, following their instincts. I am so confused, haunted by the idea of why we do this and why we do that. Why don’t people think why?

I detest the people who show fake confidence, pretending as if (s)he knows everything, yelling at the entire world with his strident voice and being afraid that people are not able to recognize his wisdom. And then, I realized tolerance is walking away from me little by little. I can’t bear those people even with a bit of imperfection in their minds now. But do I have those moral flaws as well? I must do it.

Things growing darker once you start to fall into the deep dark abyss in your mind.

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