Feeling · Life

Fix you

大脑中某些神经网络总是在意想不到的机缘巧合中被激活,于是在不经意间,眼眶湿润。总是觉得自己能够潇洒的放手,到头来才发现不过是自我安慰的障眼。

于是回想起了我们第一次的相遇,在二〇一八年元历新年的第一秒,五彩绚烂的烟花下,我默默地许愿,希望新的故事会在新的一年有一个美妙的开始。于是一个奇幻的夜晚就立刻应验。“共产主义书店”的地下,拉美热情似乎也在我身上生根发芽。新年凌晨的街道上我们起舞,从骨髓中迸发出的音符在街道上萦绕。一个月后,我们坐在公园的绿荫下,你为我弹奏演唱只属于我的歌曲。虽然我试图成为一个彻骨的存在主义者,但是我仍然会迷信,相信有所谓的命运和巧合。于是,我渐渐发现生命中一切事物似乎都开始围绕我们旋转,在魔法的点缀之下,一切都选染成一部“烂俗”的爱情电影。然而,爱情电影就是“烂俗”才好看。二〇一八年五月的那天,我们在黄昏下,来到城市边缘。山坡上可以看到所有的城市灯火如同银河,在橘色和紫色混合的完美的晚霞中,暧昧不清。就在这个美妙的时刻,穿着我最喜欢的外套的你的身边出现了一只兔子。就如同Her电影里一样,我也称你为rabbit。魔法再次现身。于是,我又开始相信。在南城的春,我从欧洲的长途旅行回来,发现冰箱已杂菌丛生。你戴上N95跟我一起在阳台上清洗了一整天。那天冰箱发出的味道,你我都至死不会忘记。二〇一九年的年初,我们在聂鲁达的海边故居散步。你走到一片cochayuyo前,拿着吉它,坐在岩石上给它们开起演唱会。我看着你的背影,听你的歌声与海浪声融为一体。情人节,我们来到南城最高的塔,在乐队演奏声中,我们一起喝着香槟,俯瞰这座城。五月份,你开着从朋友那里借来的破破烂烂的车。我们一路从市中心开到了边境。夜晚,在边境雪山脚下,我们在露天温泉冒出的氤氲水汽中擡头仰望银河。回到车前,我们的车前又魔法般出现了很多只兔子。在胆战心惊的山路回程中,我内心却因为一次人生中最棒的生日而愉悦不已。二〇一九年的十月,穿越浓密的胡椒水味道的街道,我们一起见证了这个南国的历史。然而之后宵禁结束后的某一天夏夜,我们坐在plaza的长椅上抱在一起痛哭…… 

我知道,你也知道。我们似乎不能在一起走下去了。我们尽力了。

两周前的我看到了你发来的长长的信息,哭了一晚。第二天刚起床我便出门去跑步。狂奔的我试图将一切的痛苦都甩在身后。然而,还是在半途失声痛哭。路人以为我是穿着运动服刚从疯人院逃出来的。

 

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed. 

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something, you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Could it be worse? — 我不知道答案。我只知道,有两个人,他们在一起走过的三年里,从彼此学到了很多。他们曾经相爱过。

 

 

Feeling · Life

une autre année

The thing that we started looking for since the moment we were born.  The genetic instincts embedded drive us forward.

What is that? 

It has been another year of my life, and what have I learned from experiences? Except for getting older biologically, what have I gained? What kind of networks of neurons did I construct? How about the information carried by the photons that fell onto my retina and activated my cone cells? What about the sound delivered by the mechanical vibration of air molecules that pressed my malleus and incus? Did any of those make a difference, or are they part of the paramount pile of dust buried in the trace?

What have I been doing as time flies? I tried to cheated time, but what I have been cheating is myself. So, why bother then? 

I remember those beginnings of summer; I was longing for the future, dreaming all those possibilities and all the wonders of the world. Then this is dying out gradually, fading like an old photo of your childhood. Irreversible as the increasing entropy.

Well, memories are the greatest illusionists; you should never trust them. 

I love what Albert Camus said

“Tu ne pourras jamais être heureux si tu continues à chercher de quoi est fait le bonheur. Tu ne pourras jamais vivre si tu cherches le sens de la vie.”

There is no point in looking for something that does not exist. Live is not about searching, and it’s about experiencing, as we are flawed; we are in our eternal human predicaments; we are the creation of chaos and randomness (yet not so random); we fight for our “free will.”

I guess I will stop murmuring and perhaps stop everything I am doing and just enjoy the moment I spent another year in this Universe. I have experienced another year of being alive, and this is a miracle itself. Isn’t it?

 

Feeling · Life · Poem

寻光

嘹亮的晚霞洒下最后一缕淡粉色的余辉

我的思绪被虚弱的长波光子散射到过去在大脑留下的神经网络里

纠缠,纠结,纠替

我在哪里?

云俯瞰我,不微笑也不哭泣

我看看云

却迷失在她深邃的眼眸寻觅

 

我真的忘记了么?

每次在你背后偷偷的看着你

那凝视

可以很短,也可以是永恒

 

天顶的月

我把我的影子照得光亮

金闪闪

包裹在粉紫色的晚霞里

我仍旧在寻觅

那晚霞中的一缕金色

或许,我忘记了,

它就在我的影子里

Feeling · Life

In 2020, I rediscovered myself

2020 has been the worst year by all standards. It hits all my fatal weaknesses. Actually, the zoo of weakness has always been there, just like a ship full of small holes functioning at its very limit, in a fragile balanced state.

And 2020 smashed it.

I have always been a lonely person. Well, as a human, even for an introvert like me, social connections are needed. Honestly, I like to be among humans, even just for sitting with them quietly.

Thus, 2020 has become a nightmare. Locking down in my apartment alone for months, I have never been so emotionally destroyed. I started to rethink life and death and all those big crazy questions (actually, I did end up reading some excellent philosophy books, a silver lining, maybe). I went through a lot about myself, my life, the purpose of life — everything in my head. I read books and Internet articles, and I listened to podcasts, with the hope of finding some answers. This despairing solitude exposed all those weaknesses, which were crashing along with the fragile balance.

Why have I been lonely?

Continue reading “In 2020, I rediscovered myself”