## In 2020, I rediscovered myself

2020 has been the worst year by all standards. It hits all my fatal weaknesses. Actually, the zoo of weakness has always been there, just like a ship full of small holes functioning at its very limit, in a fragile balanced state.

And 2020 smashed it.

I have always been a lonely person. Well, as a human, even for an introvert like me, social connections are needed. Honestly, I like to be among humans, even just for sitting with them quietly.

Thus, 2020 has become a nightmare. Locking down in my apartment alone for months, I have never been so emotionally destroyed. I started to rethink life and death and all those big crazy questions (actually, I did end up reading some excellent philosophy books, a silver lining, maybe). I went through a lot about myself, my life, the purpose of life — everything in my head. I read books and Internet articles, and I listened to podcasts, with the hope of finding some answers. This despairing solitude exposed all those weaknesses, which were crashing along with the fragile balance.

Why have I been lonely?

Life

Coding

## Julia 101 – 0.1. Least-Square fitting

year = Float64[0]

for i in 1:6
push!(year, i)
end

year = year .+ 2013
7-element Array{Float64,1}:
2013.0
2014.0
2015.0
2016.0
2017.0
2018.0
2019.0
year_x = collect(Float64, 2013:1:2020);
h = [2, 2, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 12];
using Plots
scatter(year_x, h,
xlab = "year", ylab = "h-index",
xlim = [2012, 2023], ylim = [0,15], framestyle = :box)

scatter!(year_x[3:end], h[3:end])
using LsqFit

@. model(x, p) = p[1] + x*p[2] + x^2.0*p[3]
fit = curve_fit(model, year_x, h, [2.0, 0.5, -3.0])
LsqFit.LsqFitResult{Array{Float64,1},Array{Float64,1},Array{Float64,2},Array{Int64,1}}([1.1832864618761656e6, -1174.946148708822, 0.2916665972735931], [0.20833284547552466, -0.19642864260822535, -0.017856936203315854, -0.2559520348440856, 0.08928606053814292, 0.017857350641861558, 0.5297618352342397, -0.3750004852190614], [1.0000000000082452 2012.9999999932165 4.05216899997484e6; 1.0000000000082452 2014.0000000073403 4.05619599998367e6; … ; 1.0000000000082452 2018.9999999797847 4.076360999975335e6; 1.0000000000082452 2019.9999999939084 4.08039999999393e6], true, Int64[])
T = typeof(fit)
for (name, typ) in zip(fieldnames(T), T.types)
println("type of the fieldname typ")
end
type of the fieldname param is Array{Float64,1}
type of the fieldname resid is Array{Float64,1}
type of the fieldname jacobian is Array{Float64,2}
type of the fieldname converged is Bool
type of the fieldname wt is Array{Int64,1}
?fit
search: fit LsqFit filter filter! curve_fit first firstindex isfinite popfirst!

No documentation found.

fit is of type LsqFit.LsqFitResult{Array{Float64,1},Array{Float64,1},Array{Float64,2},Array{Int64,1}}.

# Summary

struct LsqFit.LsqFitResult{Array{Float64,1},Array{Float64,1},Array{Float64,2},Array{Int64,1}} &lt;: Any

# Fields

param     :: Array{Float64,1}
resid     :: Array{Float64,1}
jacobian  :: Array{Float64,2}
converged :: Bool
wt        :: Array{Int64,1}
fitted_p = fit.param
3-element Array{Float64,1}:
1.1832864618761656e6
-1174.946148708822
0.2916665972735931
new_x = collect(Float64, 2013:1:2025)
new_y = fitted_p[1] .+ new_x.*fitted_p[2] .+ (new_x.^2).*fitted_p[3]
plot!(new_x, new_y, ylim = [0,30], seriestype =:line)
fit.resid
8-element Array{Float64,1}:
0.20833284547552466
-0.19642864260822535
-0.017856936203315854
-0.2559520348440856
0.08928606053814292
0.017857350641861558
0.5297618352342397
-0.3750004852190614
fit.jacobian
8×3 Array{Float64,2}:
1.0  2013.0  4.05217e6
1.0  2014.0  4.0562e6
1.0  2015.0  4.06022e6
1.0  2016.0  4.06426e6
1.0  2017.0  4.06829e6
1.0  2018.0  4.07232e6
1.0  2019.0  4.07636e6
1.0  2020.0  4.0804e6
fit.wt
0-element Array{Int64,1}
fit.converged
true
Astronomy

## Were we there?

The floating dust burned into the wall above the heater in February, the dancing water mist over the thin ice in March, the dew on the magnolia in April, the last burning birthday candle on the cake in May, the growl in the moist air in June, the lonely nightmare in an empty room in July. It seems that 365 days of a year have become a thing from the last century. All the alphabets scattered and dissipated on the surface the paper, and the last trace of scratches was folded in time after struggling for a couple of times in vain. The lotus root is broken, so are the clinging fibers. Nothing is connected anymore. Time, time chopped off all hope of going back, confining you to the thickest cocoon. If you do not grow out of a transformation, then die inside. Occasionally, in a dream, your voice, and his face, we invariably hummed the melody that we used to know.

Holding the broken clinging fibers that have been lost for more than 20 years, I gradually realized that they are eternal. While we, and the connections between us, are just a blink of an eye. We are still there, that time and space. Yet, we are no longer there.