Si un jour, vous êtes très malheureux…

“Si un jour, vous êtes très malheureux. Rappelez-vous qu’on est qu’un grain de poussière. Quelques atomes tombés d’une étoile. Nous ne sommes là que quelques instants. A peine le temps d’un battement de cils à l’échelle de l’univers. Alors, profitez-en. Profitez-en. C’est la vie qui est plus forte que tout. Alors nous, on va continuer à vivre.”

— L’odyssée (un film réalisé, 2016)

 

English translation: If you are very unhappy one day. Remind yourself that we are just grains of stardust, some atoms fell from dying stars. We are only here in this world for a short moment, short as in the twinkling of an eye to the timescale of the Universe. So, enjoy your life. Enjoy it! It’s life that is the most thriving being in this world. Then, we live on.

The story of your lives

最近這幾年,思考關於生而向死的問題,思考曾經隻是挂在嘴上,如今卻深刻困擾著自己的“人生的意義”,這個思考的過程迅速的消耗著我的腦細胞以及我曾經天真的世界觀。同樣的一句話,一句被大家常常挂在嘴邊的話,因為自己經歷了“生死考驗”而變得不一樣,變得逼真無比,變得迫在眉睫,變成為日常的困擾。當“二次元”的中二變成了三次元裡真切的終極問題,仿佛面到了人生中一堵思想上巨大的牆。在這堵牆高大的陰影裡,不管你家財萬貫榮華富貴,還是你權利大到瞞天過海,亦或是落魄街頭,都變得微不足道,沒有任何意義,因為這些人生在這個廣闊的宇宙裡連個笑話都不如。如同Ted Chiang的 The story of your life 裡的人物一樣,我們生下來其實就已經注定了人生的結局,當你知道了一切的結局,你還會怎麼去做?當你失去了自由意志,你會選擇如何面對你的人生,如何面對自己?

而現在,我似乎意識到,或許這樣的想法太過於奢侈。當你沒有權利選擇結局的時候,在眾多通往人生終點的路上,至少你還可以選擇一條你喜歡的。或許在這條路上,或多或少還存在著些許的自由意志。在一切的條條框框下,你可以選擇一個還算讓自己滿意的人生。把自己放在小框架裡,在條條框框的保護下,會得到片刻的安寧。

這個問題根本就是個不存在的命題。就像數學中不完備的存在一樣。沒有什麼東西應該是完美的,意義這東西的存在也不是天經地義的:生命本身也許就是荒誕的。

Der geilste Tag

Der geilste Tag 片中男主 Andy 在片尾坐在天台,看着夕阳。在经历了种种非洲冒险之后,他即将面对死亡,看着 Benno,他说:

其实经历了这些,我发现在哪里不重要,重要的是跟谁在一起。

其实我觉得这句话是整个电影的精华和主题。在面对死亡的时候,能让我们坦然接受的就是身边在乎之人的陪伴。这句话给我深深的共鸣,也是因为自己曾经有段非常抑郁的时期。就跟这部电影一样,为了摆脱死亡恐怖深渊的我也尝试着去旅行,用风景来改变自己的心境,近乎于疯狂却又毫无目的。然而,身处于壮美的风景中,我却发现一切索然无味。身周时时刻刻被一个厚厚的黑茧惨绕,无法脱身。再美的阳光,又怎能射入厚厚的黑茧。突然回想起曾经和某人一起度过的那些时光,那些时候,身处的也却不过是再也无法普通的街头巷尾,但它们给予了我源源不断的快乐。

或许我永远无法体验独旅人的快乐,我内心厌倦独旅(虽然这些年一直在独旅)。如此看来,我大概是个负能量体,如果无法吸收周围阳光的人散发出来的能量就会冷冻、结冰。这也是我为什么这么畏惧孤独的原因吧。

Drowning in the uncertain darkness?

Days past, yet I am still struggling, slowly and slowly drowning into the darkness. What is happening? For years, I am asking this very same question again and again without any answer. Things exist without any reason, and any request of justifying them is in vain.

Everyday the future looks a little bit darker. But the past, even the grimy parts of it, well, it just keeps on getting brighter all the time.

Is this a sign of ageing physiologically albeit I am still less than thirty? Or, it is just telling that the mind is too vulnerable to bear the burden of life and the responsibilities coming along? I can not stop thinking the meaning of everything, e.g., the meaning of being in this world; why life exists; why am I here sitting in front of a 13″ MacBook Pro typing this post. I mean, as a PhD student major in astrophysics, I am being a part of the great mission of human beings for trying to understand our universe. But as a human, are we able to understand why we are living in this world? And for what reason? I suppose we deserve better answers than simply “passing our human DNA”. I see a lot of people don’t even bother thinking of these “stupid” questions. They do everything without asking why. I admit that there can exist no meaning for those “why” at all. The question can even be totally wrong in the first place. However, those people just do the routines, following their instincts. I am so confused, haunted by the idea that why we do this and why we do that. Why don’t people think why?

I detest the people who show fake confidence, pretending as if (s)he knows everything, yelling to the entire world with his strident voice and being afraid that people are not able to recognise his wisdom. And then, I realise tolerance is walking away from me little by little. I can’t bear those people even with a bit imperfection of their mind now. But do I have those moral flaws as well? I must do.

Things growing darker once you start to fall into the deep dark abyss in your mind.