Feeling · Life

une autre année

The thing that we started looking for since the moment we were born.  The genetic instincts embedded drive us forward.

What is that? 

It has been another year of my life, and what have I learned from experiences? Except for getting older biologically, what have I gained? What kind of networks of neurons did I construct? How about the information carried by the photons that fell onto my retina and activated my cone cells? What about the sound delivered by the mechanical vibration of air molecules that pressed my malleus and incus? Did any of those make a difference, or are they part of the paramount pile of dust buried in the trace?

What have I been doing as time flies? I tried to cheated time, but what I have been cheating is myself. So, why bother then? 

I remember those beginnings of summer; I was longing for the future, dreaming all those possibilities and all the wonders of the world. Then this is dying out gradually, fading like an old photo of your childhood. Irreversible as the increasing entropy.

Well, memories are the greatest illusionists; you should never trust them. 

I love what Albert Camus said

“Tu ne pourras jamais être heureux si tu continues à chercher de quoi est fait le bonheur. Tu ne pourras jamais vivre si tu cherches le sens de la vie.”

There is no point in looking for something that does not exist. Live is not about searching, and it’s about experiencing, as we are flawed; we are in our eternal human predicaments; we are the creation of chaos and randomness (yet not so random); we fight for our “free will.”

I guess I will stop murmuring and perhaps stop everything I am doing and just enjoy the moment I spent another year in this Universe. I have experienced another year of being alive, and this is a miracle itself. Isn’t it?


Feeling · Life · Poem





Feeling · Life

In 2020, I rediscovered myself

2020 has been the worst year by all standards. It hits all my fatal weaknesses. Actually, the zoo of weakness has always been there, just like a ship full of small holes functioning at its very limit, in a fragile balanced state.

And 2020 smashed it.

I have always been a lonely person. Well, as a human, even for an introvert like me, social connections are needed. Honestly, I like to be among humans, even just for sitting with them quietly.

Thus, 2020 has become a nightmare. Locking down in my apartment alone for months, I have never been so emotionally destroyed. I started to rethink life and death and all those big crazy questions (actually, I did end up reading some excellent philosophy books, a silver lining, maybe). I went through a lot about myself, my life, the purpose of life — everything in my head. I read books and Internet articles, and I listened to podcasts, with the hope of finding some answers. This despairing solitude exposed all those weaknesses, which were crashing along with the fragile balance.

Why have I been lonely?

Continue reading “In 2020, I rediscovered myself”


another little heartbreak in 2020

上个月我们研究所这边搞起了一个募捐活动,让大家给智利一个叫做Batuco的贫民营地(Campamento Batuco) 里的人捐一些旧衣物。我没有衣物,就捐了一些现金。但是其实说来惭愧,我捐款的时候这个营地一无所知。心里想着负责募捐的人很可靠,于是就捐了。今天收到负责人邮件发来的反馈,附带了很多照片。然而,我看到这些照片之后内心却很难受。

Campamento Batuco, 图片来自 https://www.futuro360.com/

看到照片里破破烂烂的木板纸板搭建的小屋,被雨水冲刷的泥泞的地面,还有小孩子们稚嫩的手捧着拿到的书本,他们吃的简朴的煮玉米煮土豆。再想到自己天天在家里有地暖,不担心吃喝,也不担心疫情,还可以点外卖。真心感觉很难过,感觉很心酸。刚刚在查关于这个营地的消息时还发现那里六月份才爆发了比较严重的 COVID-19 疫情。新闻里被采访的人还是乐观地说“虽然我们的很穷,但是我们心很大”。