Feeling · Life · Poem

寻光

嘹亮的晚霞洒下最后一缕淡粉色的余辉
我的思绪被虚弱的长波光子散射到过去在大脑留下的神经网络里
纠缠,纠结,纠替
我在哪里?
云俯瞰我,不微笑也不哭泣
我看看云
却迷失在她深邃的眼眸寻觅

我真的忘记了么?
每次在你背后偷偷的看着你
那凝视
可以很短,也可以是永恒

天顶的月
把我的影子照得光亮
金闪闪
包裹在粉紫色的晚霞里
我仍旧在寻觅
那晚霞中的一缕金色
或许,我忘记了,
它就在我的影子里

Feeling · Life

In 2020, I rediscovered myself

2020 has been the worst year by all standards. It hits all my fatal weaknesses. Actually, the zoo of weakness has always been there, just like a ship full of small holes functioning at its very limit, in a fragile balanced state.

And 2020 smashed it.

I have always been a lonely person. Well, as a human, even for an introvert like me, social connections are needed. Honestly, I like to be among humans, even just for sitting with them quietly.

Thus, 2020 has become a nightmare. Locking down in my apartment alone for months, I have never been so emotionally destroyed. I started to rethink life and death and all those big crazy questions (actually, I did end up reading some excellent philosophy books, a silver lining, maybe). I went through a lot about myself, my life, the purpose of life — everything in my head. I read books and Internet articles, and I listened to podcasts, with the hope of finding some answers. This despairing solitude exposed all those weaknesses, which were crashing along with the fragile balance.

Why have I been lonely?

Continue reading “In 2020, I rediscovered myself”

Feeling

One, two, three, one, two, three, drink

There’s a scene in a Netflix show. Every time I watch it, I am wiping my tears and fail to hold feelings that grow ineffably from inside. I am so eager to curl up in the abandoned corner, no matter it’s the mental prison or the acoustic fence built from my heavily occupied playlist. I know. Something devoured the phony me, or perhaps, swollen. And then, the times of my young self, the ever never past sediments of my loneliness, are stirred up above, breaking into happy sore tears.

 

Blog · Feeling

自欺欺人

那么的期盼一个人蜷缩在孤独的角落里,不管是网络空间的豆瓣的神经病角落亦或是Bose耳机里回荡的Spotify声波交错的角落,静静的,自己抱着自己,沉浸在前额叶皮层的沟回里。

然而,心却如此忧伤。

要是有人一起共享这片角落的宁静该有多好……

看着你的微笑,你的双眼中反射出的星光,你的酒窝融化在我们的笑声里。我知道,那片刻,我是最怕孤独的孤独者,我是最渴望分享的角落里的星尘,等待被你拾起。你手掌的纹路,你锁骨上的吻痕和下巴上淡淡的胡须。似乎有个夜晚,我们被彼此掌心的温度温暖。两只影子荡漾在隐秘的黑暗,被路灯追逐而变得无比狭长。你对我耳边轻声细语,尽管四下无人。似乎,越隐秘越甜蜜。

不知过了多久,不知过了多久。

我睁开双眼,觉得自己无比懦弱、胆小、无能、丑陋、懒惰以及卑微,因为我始终抱着自己。