I am isolated from a feeling of strong depression these days, being lost in the forest of nonsense. I am not sure what to do and lack incentive. Alone at an office, while the rest are all busy with the IAU meeting in Beijing, I was crushed by the increasing isolation.
It’s been a long time since my last post. However, it seems that no progress has been made in these months. Although I build up my Master thesis outline, moving forward on the study of HO lines in high-z galaxies as a second author, there’s still much more work that should be done about the Herschel Archive data, while what I did is far from enough. I am feeling like being closed by myself in a purely procrastinate lifestyle, wasting the most precious golden lifetime. Shame on me. Such a situation reminds me of a friend, who also expressed the same problems when in the 2nd semester that buried his talent in the end. I cannot focus on forming a complete logic flow because of the fragmented thinking mode caused by SNS and Twitter-like Internet media. I feel stupid and biased. Even now I cannot clearly write down my thoughts. Moreover, knowing what exactly I was thinking is barely possible. Maybe reading books and papers is the way to cure it, but the most important thing is to quit the Internet, the SNS, and Twitter, to recover the ability to complete my thread.
There’s always something coming to my mind that reminds me of my initial pursuit and drives me to who I am today. Sometimes I doubt whether I am suitable to be a real astronomer, living in a non-wealthy life and working hard on the science projects. But it has been my dream since I was a child, I love learning about the universe, and making fascinating discoveries about it. Whatever, I am scared to be lonely, and that is my difficult situation in the current environment. Although I understand that being an astronomer does not mean you have to bear the loneliness, for you have such active scientific communication, and teamwork cannot be avoided in modern astrophysics research as well. So, such isolation maybe just one special case, or environment-related. What really matters may be me, on the second thought. It is me, being lazy and autistic. If I am active in talking with the researchers and students around, and if I keep reading and making progress every day. I would not be so depressed. How ludicrous a person I am!
The decision-making day is coming. I have to make up my mind to decide whether to stay or leave. But now I am evading the truth, the day that will finally come. I am not acting like a real man about this. Thus, I need to think more about this, the projects that I would lose and get, and what I want to achieve in the future.