几日随感

恍惚间五天就过去了。这已是第三次来巴黎,距离去年第一次来这里差不多快有一年的间隔。第三次来感觉会有很大的不同,丢失的一部分新鲜感,还有些许对家乡的眷恋,当然也会有对巴黎更深刻的认知。

     最近一直觉得自己非常倒霉,可仔细想想,或许是前两次来巴黎都太顺了,签证、机票等等,而这次险些遭遇拒签,在二次递签之后才拿到了一次入境。与前两次不同,这次导师也在巴黎,到了之后前两天三个导师聚在一起商讨着未来的各种规划和眼下一些继续完成的事情。然后就去Alain家里吃饭。这是我第三次去他家吃饭。前两次来巴黎,也都去过他们家吃饭。第一次是我和Alex到他们家,还遇到另外一个做天文的研究员(忘记他是哪个国家的了,但现在美国工作)。第二次是我跟IAP的两个年轻研究员(夫妇)。每次吃饭我都显得很拘谨,有时候他们用法语交谈更是让我不知所措。不过,为了照顾我这个年轻人,他们也会把话题中心转移到我这里。这次也不例外,三位导师(包括Alain)聚餐,大家讨论的热火朝天,我却在一旁不敢发言。这大概是我的性格使然吧,上不了席那种,心里憋了很多话,却只能吐出个一两句,然后一紧张,变成了半句话,细细碎碎的吐出。聚餐期间有个细节打动了我。导师为了让我多说话,很多次将话题转给我,有一次说到了父母的工作,然后大家还在热火朝天的讨论,我刚要发出的声音俨然淹没其间,此时Alain大声发出“嘘”声,让大家安静,然后将焦点转向我,听我说话。虽然这一度让我开始有些不知所措,然而我发自内心的感动,觉得自己“被重视着”。就是这样一个小小的举动,让我内心很温暖。

     然后我想到,能够跟着Alain做科研是件很幸运的事情。在巴黎的日子里,几乎每个工作日都会询问我的工作进度,每天都会指导我下一步的工作。有时候也会跟我聊天。想起去年年初刚来这里的时候,我到的第二天,他带我在IAP附近转,然后给我讲述Bd Arago, Rue Saint Jacques等名字的来由,其中的历史故事等等。在巴黎天文台吃饭的时候还把我一一介绍给他熟悉的天文学家。让我这个时常觉得“自己很渺小”的自卑者无比感动。会议报告也给我打广告,做poster时将我的名字大大的写在上面。前天看到自己的名字被加到最新的ALMA proposal里,心里觉得很荣幸,虽然是co-I,但对我来说,是意义很大的第一步。接着便又会想起来,在第一次聚餐的时候,Alain提起中国的(亚)毫米波天文学,南极天文的未来,然后充满希望的说着我的名字。我心里一边说着万分个“不敢当”,一边又在暗自骄傲。

     一直认为最近的倒霉是有原因的。正如上一篇博客写得一样“想想当下的浑浑噩噩,当下的无所事事,当下的猪狗不如,这些是必然还是偶然?” 身处在IAU办公室楼下的我,身处在拥有那么多杰出天文学家(天体物理学家)所在地的我,却觉得这句话是那样的苍白无力。有时候自己会想得太多,以至于让“想法迷雾”遮蔽天日,弄得我无法辨别南北东西。当年埋在内心深处的那颗种子的确是实实在在的。不管怎样,我都不能浪费现在拥有的这些宝贵的东西。莫让自己产生的虚弥环境成为了自己的桎梏。

Purity of the Pursuit

I am isolated with a feeling of strong depressing these days, being lost in the forest of nonsense. I am not sure what to do, and lack of incentive. Alone at an office, while the rests are all busy with the IAU meeting in Beijing, I was crashing by the increasing isolation.

       It’s been a long time since my last post. However, it seems that no progress has been made these months. Although I build up my Master thesis outline, moving forward on the study of H_2O lines in high-z galaxies as a second author, there’s still much more work should be done about the Herschel Archive data, while what I did is far from enough. I am feeling like being closed by myself in a purely procrastinate life style, wasting the most precious golden lifetime. Shame on me. Such a situation reminds me of a friend, who also expressed same problems when in the 2nd semester that buried his talent in the end. I can not focus on forming a complete logic flow because of the fragmentized thinking mode caused by SNS and Twitter-like Internet media. I feel stupid and biased. Even now I can not clearly write down my thoughts. Moreover, knowing what exactly I was thinking is barely possible. Maybe reading books and papers is the way to cure, but the most important thing is to quit the Internet, the SNS and Twitter things, for recovering the ability to complete my thread.

        There’s always something coming to my mind that reminds me about my initial pursuit and drives me to who I am today. Sometimes I doubt whether I am suitable to be a real astronomer, living in a non-wealthy life and working hard on the science projects. But it has been my dream since I was a child, I love learning about the universe, and making fascinating discoveries of it. Whatever, I am scared to be lonely, and that is my difficult situation in the current environment. Although I understand that being an astronomer does not mean you have to bear the loneliness, for you have so active scientific communication, and teamwork can not be avoided in modern astrophysics research as well. So, such isolation may be just one special case, or environment related. What really matters may be me, on the second thought. It is me, being lazy and autistic. If I am active to talk with the researchers and students around, and if I keep reading and making progress every day. I would not be so depressed. How ludicrous a person I am!

        The decision-making day is coming. I have to make up my mind to decide whether to stay or leave. But now I am evading the truth, the day that will finally come. I am not acting like a real man about this. Thus, I need to think more about this, the projects that I would lose and get, and what I want to achieve in the future.