Days past, yet I am still struggling, slowly and slowly drowning into the darkness. What is happening? For years, I am asking this same question again and again without any answer. Things exist without any reason, and any request of justifying them will be in vain.
Everyday the future looks a little bit darker. But the past, even the grimy parts of it, well, it just keeps on getting brighter all the time.
Is this a sign of getting old physiologically considering I am still less than thirty? Or, it is just telling that your mind is too vulnerable to bear the burden of your life and the responsibilities coming along? I can not stop thinking the meaning of everything, e.g., the meaning of being in this world, why life exists, why am I here sitting in front of a 13″ MacBook Pro typing this post. I mean, as PhD student in astrophysics, I am being a part of trying to understand our universe. But as a human, are we able to understand why we are living in this world? What for? I suggest we deserve a better answers than just “passing our human DNA”. I see a lot of people just don’t bother thinking of these. They do everything without thinking why. I admit that, there may be no meaning at all. The question can be wrong in the first place. However, people around just do the routines, following the instincts. I am so confused, haunted by the idea that why we do this and why we do that. Why we don’t think why? (Maybe mathematicians are thinking these more often?)
I detest the people who shows fake confidence, pretending as if he (yes, I am talking about a HE) knows everything, yelling to the world with his strident voice and being afraid that people are not able to recognise his wisdom. And then, I realise tolerance is walking away from me. I can’t bear those people even with a little bit ugliness of their mind. But do I have those uglinesses? I must have. Things growing darker once you start to fall into the deeply dark abyss in your mind.
We are born to die, which is the most definite thing that will happen to our life. This makes the metaphor that life is like a journey to be extremely true. Taking a sad and inappropriate example, it’s like a plane that can never land: once you take off, the only thing you know is that it will crash once your run of out fuel.
This is so fatalism and pointless, I have to admit. However, I have just realised this ruthless fact, or I should say that I have somehow understand the meaning of that in these two years. After my “quite an experience”, I started to think about it seriously. Of course, it causes me to be less happy and even sometimes desperate. But, the voice in my head tells me that I have to think of it, and I need to.
Yesterday, I was watching the last movie of the Hunger Game series. When I saw Katniss and Peeta embracing after the ending of the turbulent period. I was thinking that, they are just like two helpless people together on the non-landing plane, encouraging and giving warm and strength to each other. They do not need to face the desperate ending alone anymore. And they will also notice that there are beautiful views on this plane, lights from the sun, the moon and thousands stars. There are fragrant moments that lights in your life. By facing the fact, you will also find the beauty and the things that you can change. Is it perhaps all about loneliness? I can not tell as they are coming from the deep inside our brains.
What about doing something great that beyond our motions? Of course, we can try our best to upgrade this despairing plane, make our contribution, and make it fly longer or transcending our limitation? Maybe, it will be solved by the A.I. technology, e.g., digitalising our consciousness. However, after that point, the meaning of life and death and a lot of others will change totally, which may make the most wise philosopher in this world lost his/her insights to ourselves.