As usual, I wandered on the Internet, seeing the TIMES university ranking in 2011. Then I checked the Chinese universities for curiosity and found PKU in 49th, TSU in 71st and USTC in 192nd (putting Hong Kong and Taiwan aside). There came the sudden sadness.

Just a few months ago, a student in our department went to the UT Austin (ranking 29). And one year ago, a classmate of mine was recommended for admission to be a PhD in the KIAA, PKU. Only me, myself seems to be where I was, without any progress. When I was deciding whether to accept the recommended for admission to be a master in our department, I thought this could be a chance to gain my personal research experience. If I have some literature published, I could get an admission from some better university in other countries. So I finally decided to stay in the department.
Although, honestly speaking, the ranking does not matter that much for a graduate student, and I should care more about the specific field ranking or even care about the specific mentor rather than the university ranking as a whole. The astrophysics ranking, of course, would be different from the TIMES’s university ranking. But, I still feel shame emotionally if I get an admission from the university ranking behind PKU in China. I would feel that I am a loser. “Even going aboard, the university you stay in are not as good as the friend does in China.”

I know, that sounds stupid. But that’s my true feeling.

In fact, the reason I feel like that is the fear, I think, namely the fear of the probable rejection by the top 49 universities on the ranking list. That is it definitely. Going deeper, I think that’s the lack of the skill or the lack of the effort I take. All in all, the primary reason is: I am not diligent enough. I(You) find the friends around have approximately the equal ability as I(you) do, and it is the diligence that makes us different in the end. Someone is still trying to find a job now and some are already getting admissions from some really good universities.

So I am far away from a diligent student IF I WANT TO GO TO THE TOP 49 UNIVERSITIES. I need to pay more, taking more time and efforts. But the procrastination stops me again and again from that. I think no one wants to be a loser. Me as well. So why not keep the sentences in mind. Remind myself again and again that I have a dream which is not far.